Sunday, August 20, 2017

Finishing 6th on Top

And then seventh begins.

I found number 8!

It was shoved in the side pocket of a bag I used when traveling. Apparently I had all good intentions of blogging while on vacation. Yeah, that didn’t happen. Skipping this entire journal would have pushed me ahead three years. The differences between Jordan as a twelve year old and Jordan as a fifteen year old were considerable, to put it mildly.

I think I mentioned this before, but Jordan received the overall high-achievement award in all subjects, at the end of sixth grade. She also scored high enough on the IOWA math test to qualify for ninth grade math. Now, see if you can wrap your head around this... She just completed seventh grade math, in sixth grade, and now she had permission to skip all of eighth grade math, and jump into ninth.  

I realize there are parents who would be thrilled, and those who actually pushed for this, but we were not those parents. Thankfully, at this point, Jordan was not one of those kids either. She didn’t want to take ninth grade math in seventh grade. Eighth grade math was fine. She also informed me that her teachers were asking why she wasn’t in the gifted program.  Her answer to me was,  “I don’t want to be.”

So as you can see, because of her many academic successes, Jordan was a self aware, confident twelve year old.  But it was these same successes that eventually helped push her towards excruciating levels of self pressure, self defeating behaviors, and more sleep deprivation than was healthy-- or acceptable.

Can't you just feel our positive tides slowly begin to waver?

Thank you.

Us Too

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Searching, Literally

Please excuse the delay. I’m experiencing organizational difficulties and can’t find journal number 8!!!

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Living, Learning, and Hoping

There are a few signs that could help indicate that you are slowly losing it. One would be experiencing panic attacks. Of course at the time, you probably won’t be able to give it a name, but there are some tell tale symptoms. If you're planning on reading to a small group of children, something you’ve done hundreds of times, and you suddenly struggle to breath, become shaky, have to ask another teacher to take over, and your young son asks “Mom, are you okay?”, you’re having a panic attack, and possibly beginning to lose your sh*t.

If you made plans to reconnect with special, forever-college friends who you haven’t seen in years, you sob uncontrollably during the hour long commute, and you find yourself having to work very hard just to participate in friendly conversation, you’re most likely losing it.

I didn’t get help, yet somehow I managed to survive. That being said, we went through some rough times during Jordan’s high school years. (Hence this blog). I think if I had the chance to do it all over again (and thank God, the universe or whatever you believe in... that I don’t), I hope I would reach out for professional help.

I don’t have true regrets, but who knows. Maybe if I were better able to cope, it would have helped to ease some of our hurt and confusion, and life could have gone a bit more smoothly for the Beck family.

Thank you.

Us Too

Monday, August 7, 2017

Losing My Sh*t

While we were watching our oldest daughter navigate her way through middle school, there was much more going on. Without getting into specific details, we had a medical scare with Kayla. For what felt like a lifetime, no one could tell us what was wrong with her. If you want to watch a mother slowly unravel, just have professionals tell you they have no idea why your child has certain symptoms.

If that doesn’t work, and mom still appears to be keeping her crap together, have your husband get in a car accident, and total the car. That should help to push her over the edge.

With all of life swirling around us, it’s not surprising that when Jordan had a “situation” while babysitting, I lost it. It was a last minute job, and since Jordan was already hanging out with a friend, she was told it was fine to bring her along. They asked if they could use the computer and weren’t there for more than a couple of hours. Afterwards I got a call from the mother. Apparently the girls decided to go on Youtube, which back then was somewhat new, at least in Jordan's still-sheltered world. With a five and a two year old present, they typed in “Paranormal Activity”. Tell me, how was that a good idea?? I was forwarded the videos and they were scary. gross, and filled with dead animals and ghosts. The unsuspecting boys were freaked out and could no longer sleep with the lights off. I was mortified.

Jordan apologized and cried for hours. The mother handled it very well and claimed she knew Jordan would never have done this on her own. This could not have been more true, but facts are facts. Jordan was babysitting, she participated in the search, and ultimately, she was responsible for the kids.

And in what felt like the blink of an eye, I had absolutely no control. Not over Kayla. Not over Adam, and not over our rule-following middle school daughter.

Thank you.

Us Too