Kids versus Parents

As in any family, our lives kind of went in waves. There were times when I thought my heart would explode with pride, joy and love while watching our kids play, learn and build never ending friendships with one another.

Then there were the more challenging times. For instance, there were those occasional moments when, almost as a united entity, all three kids would out and out refuse to do what we asked of them. Or how about when, no matter what, they could not get along with one another? And I can't forget those glorious moments when all three kids cried at the same time. Ah! Depending on how far I had been pushed past my limit, I wasn't sure whether I should have felt completely overwhelmed, or triumphantly victorious. Cringe?

Adam and I would find ourselves yelling, trying to regain some sense of order or control. Who am I kidding? We were yelling out of anger and frustration. One day I came home from running, and Adam was upset with Jordan for blatantly refusing to clean her room. (Which is kind of ironic, since today she keeps her room beyond organized and clean, and her closet is color coordinated.)

In a perfect world, it would be presumed that I returned from a run with a certain level of clarity and calmness. Sadly, that didn't happen. I lost it. I freaked out and went on about how all three kids were driving us completely nuts. It was quite a scene.

At this particular moment, I'm ignoring the small urge to write the word cringe. And here's why; I believe this situation periodically occurs in most homes. Having young children can be stressful, and moms and dads sometimes lose their sh*t.

You may be asking yourself; Is there a point to this drawn-out, somewhat commonplace, narration? Of course there is...

While I was getting ready to shower, Jordan wrote a note and slipped it under my bedroom door. It was succinct and to the point: It said: “You would all be better off without me.”

She was eight. WTH?

Thank you.

Us Too

Us Too's Purpose

Something has been bothering me, especially after writing my last two posts. I feel as if I'm losing the focus, or the purpose, of this blog. Ultimately it was (and still is) a way to help families who are struggling, feel less alone and less isolated. Your family may be experiencing pain, frustration, and feel completely lost and overwhelmed, but guess what? Us Too. We too have struggled over at the Beck household, as many families have.

In my mind the most effective way to accomplish this, is to share our story. Here's where I begin to have concerns and doubts. I don't want Us Too to be a mom gripe-fest. I don't want it to portray Jordan as the "problem child".  There is never a problem child. There is only a problem that needs to be addressed.

As I have said before, raising a child who possesses all of the "super powers" that Jordan has, ultimately made me a better parent. And it certainly made me a better person. Yes, at times I was shocked, confused, and angry. But these were MY issues, not her's.

I felt as if I needed to make this clear, not only to those who read Us Too, but also to myself. Sure, we have been through some difficult times, as all families have. But it was, and is, never the fault of one person. A family is an entity. All of it's members have the responsibility to do the best they can, to help this "entity of love" thrive and succeed. That is what each of the Becks have always done, and will continue to do.

Thank you.

Us Too

As if One Sad Baby Wasn't Enough

Obviously, I was furious. I couldn't believe Jordan would hurt her younger sister in such an exclusionary, mean manner.  Was she jealous, envious, or angry that Kayla was even born? At the time it didn't matter why Jordan told her friend to erase Kayla's name, only that she did it.

After I calmed down, Jordan and I had a long talk. I explained how I wasn't concerned with the behavior of other people's children. What was important to me was how my kids reacted, and more importantly, how they treated others. Again I spoke of Team Beck, because if they didn't stand up for one another, who would? I had a hard time getting over this one. Kids being mean to my baby girl was one thing. One of my babies having a huge part in it...

I spoke from the heart, mostly because mine was hurting. I made sure I wasn't cruel or cutting with my comments and observations, and I didn't know how Jordan would react. She began crying hysterically and told me she didn't know why she was so mean to Kayla. Her exact quote was "I know how nice Kayla is, and I know she doesn't deserve to be treated badly."

Um, okay?

This was confusing for me. In only a few minutes she flipped everything around. I didn't (and still don't) believe that she was turning on the tears to get attention, or to "play" me.  Call it Mother's Intuition, but her reaction felt real. She was beside herself, sobbing, telling me she didn't understand why she acted the way she did, and that she couldn't help it.

I did sympathize. My baby was struggling. But in my mind, at this specific time, her treatment towards Kayla, by far trumped her internal conflicts. I made it clear that it was unacceptable, and I didn't expect it would ever happen again.

Not fun.

Thank you.

Us Too

Knowing When to Walk Away

Obviously I was beginning to understand that occasionally, within the safe confine's of our home, there would be some disharmony between our children. This basically holds true in all families. Sharing a living space with people who have different personality traits, can be challenging, to say the least.

But outside of our house, it was my expectation that we were, DUN DUN DUUUN... Team Beck.

That was until I began noticing Kayla sitting by herself on the school bus. She was in first grade and Jordan was in second. I asked Kayla what was going on. (I know, shocking, right?) She told me that her best friend would sit with Jordan and then quickly ask her older sister (Jordan's best friend) to sit with them. Jordan then proceeded to tell me that the older sister erased Kayla's name out of her Friend Book. I thought to myself: I don't like this, but it's okay. Kids can be mean, and I can use this as a life lesson on how to handle bullies. But then Kayla informed me that Jordan told her friend to erase Kayla's name.

Honestly, at this moment I had no idea what to do. I thought I might lose my sh*t, so I got in the shower, and proceeded to cry like an angry baby.

How's that for dealing?

Thank you.
Us Too

Accountability vs. Responsibility

Back to the somewhat unwelcome, but also necessary, modification behavior chart. I knew I needed to do something, because things were getting out of hand. The goal was to keep track of how often Jordan was rude to Kayla. Here's how the chart worked:  Each time Jordan lashed out in one way or another, I would put an X on the chart. (I never said it was a positive-behavior chart.) If she got three X's in a day, she was not allowed to read before bedtime. Again, books worked as the leverage we needed to gain better control.

Yay books!

Once this chart went into effect, Jordan's behaviors improved dramatically. It was almost as if she didn't need the chart as a reminder. Her actions towards Kayla were much more patient and kind. It was a joy to see the girls getting along and enjoying each other's company again.

The ultimate goal of this behavior chart was to hold Jordan accountable for her behaviors. In actuality, I think the chart helped hold me accountable for my own behaviors. I was forced to take notice, to keep track, and to follow through.

I guess this means that behavior charts are also beneficial for... well, for those parents who need them. You know, the difficult ones, the ones who have issues.

Well that's something to think about...

Thank you.

Us Too

Some Election After Thoughts

I think many of us would agree that the last few months allowed (or forced) us to get an inside view into the internal thoughts and convictions of our friends and family members. Right now, because everything is so new and raw, my opinion is that some things may have been better left unsaid (or unread). Honestly, we don't need to know everything about those we love. We really don't. Each one of us had our beliefs long before this election, and most likely none of us are going to change them now.

That being said, there are people who will get past all of this within a few days. Obviously they won't forget, but they will be able to get on with their lives and move forward.

Others may require a bit more patience, support and understanding. They may need their loved ones to watch out for signs and symptoms of distress. Through no fault of their own, they may not have the ability to let go. It's not a choice. It's not an over-reaction. It is a subconscious reaction.

I picture it like this:  Some people are like huge magnets. But instead of attracting pieces of steel, they attract emotions. When they perceive the world as moving along smoothly, they have the chance to suck in happiness, hope, and the promise of better things. It helps life feel at least more bearable. (Because remember, quite often these super heroes are already struggling.) But if the world feels unfair, unsafe and is teaming with hatred, they are instantly bombarded with all the hurt, fear and feelings of injustice.

It's hard for me to imagine how this might feel, but I'll never stop trying to help those who are painfully aware.

Thank you.

Us Too.

Parents Do What They Need To Do

Like I had mentioned, 'back in the day' the Becks were dealing with some sibling rivalry. I'm not sure why this bothered me. It wasn't the first time (or the last) that I became overly involved in the intricacies of my children's lives. But Kayla was younger, innocent, and genuinely a sweet little girl.

Looking back at my childhood, I feel it necessary to admit that I was certainly not an angel. I was actually a royal pain in the butt to my older brother. Truly. But he possessed an important self-preservation defense mechanism.  He could easily outwit me with his quick comments and big words. I may have been the more relentless and annoying one, but he could bury me verbally. Subsequently, I would sometimes walk away confused, frustrated or plain-old bored.

The situation with our girls was different. Jordan was older than Kayla, and her verbal skills were quickly advancing. Unfortunately for us, she was getting more and more effective at 'making' her point. Kayla, who was in kindergarten, seemed defenseless. I couldn't bear to watch and allow it to continue.

So I did something I swore I would never do. I created-- a behavior chart. Ugh. Anyone who has ever taught pre-school before becoming a parent, will probably understand this line of reasoning; Yes, behavior charts have the potential to be effective tools in helping to make a lasting change in behavior. But behavior charts are only beneficial for... well, for those kids who need them. You know, the difficult ones, the ones who have issues.

And here it comes...... Cringe. (And/or karma. It depends how you choose to look at it.)

Thank You.

Us Too

Perspective

It's been a while since I last posted. There's something about this time of year that, at least for me, makes it more difficult to... well, just be. I love the colors and the cool breezes. I wait months for the opportunity to lay next to our puppies and roast myself like a chicken, in front of our pellet stove. The craziness and stress that September brings, (Remember the post The Three P's of September Survival: Persistence, Pliability, and Patience?) has finally subsided.

So what's the problem? Why is it more difficult, and require more effort, for some of us to get moving these days?  My theory is simple. It's because humans are not nocturnal. When I'm outside I try my hardest to suck in every last bit of sunshine through my eyeballs. But it's not the same as those long summer days. It's almost as if there's a daily, unfounded sense of urgency.

If I begin see these signs and symptoms present themselves in my kids, it complicates matters. As I've already mentioned, I kind of feel it twice. The normal events of life:  injury or illness, homework, applications, sports seasons ending, getting through the college midterm schedule, which equates to having more free time... all of these seem to attribute to a certain level of doubt, angst and irritation.

Am I writing this to send a message that the Becks are, once again, a mess. Of course not. We are totally fine, We are better than fine. Am I realizing/admitting that I am overly involved in my children's lives? Possibly, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Ever.

I think my purpose for this post is to have it act as a reminder. A reminder that contentment is not always a given. People have to find the peace and patience within themselves, especially if they desire to be examples to others.

So do what makes you happy and what brings you joy. And don't forget to keep sucking in the sun!

Thank you.

Us Too