Sunday, August 23, 2015

From the Outside Looking In, It's Hard to Understand. From the Inside Looking Out, It's Hard to Explain

You know all those adorable car commercials when you see one of the parents, after a long ride and a day full of fun, carrying their sleeping child from the car and into the house? Well, that never happened in our family. Not once. Not with any one of our three kids. And I have no idea why.

I realize that I briefly mentioned this story in one of my first posts, but this explains it in more emotional detail. When Jordan was around a year old, she had fallen asleep in the car. The logical assumption was, so I thought, that she would finish her nap in her crib. But as many of us now realize, logic and child rearing don't always go hand in hand. Very carefully I unbuckled her car seat and carried her towards the house. She began to whine a bit, but I still had hope that we would make it to her crib. We did make it, until I laid her down. That's when, pretty much, all hell broke lose.

Initially I didn't go running in, because of that whole "fear of spoiling", self soothing thing that I mentioned in a previous post. But I guess that this time I should have acted a bit more quickly. She must have flailed herself all around her crib, because she obviously slammed her head into the bars two or three times. When I did go in, I found her with a very big black and blue bump on her forehead and two smaller red marks on her cheeks. She was sobbing and hysterical. I comforted her and wrapped my arms around her with all of my being, until she finally calmed down. It broke my heart to see her hurting to much emotionally, but this time she was also hurting physically. Even though I didn't witness the behavior, I had the distinct, upsetting feeling that she had hit her head into the bars intentionally. Just a mother's intuition. 

Now that I am so much more in tune with Jordan and what makes her tick, as well as being more educated in Self-Injury Disorders, sadly, I feel that my intuition was probably correct. I see now that her behavior at 12 months old, wasn't all that surprising. It shares similarities with what she is struggling with today, Dermatillomania. This is one of the unfortunate symptoms of this disorder. 

But why is she forced to live with this?  What about her makeup caused her to become inflicted with this crappy disorder? She was not abused physically, emotionally or sexually. She was not discouraged from expressing anger and she certainly did not lack the skills to express her emotions. These are a few of the possible causes.

Asking all of these questions is fine, I guess, as long as I don't really feel the need to get any answers. Life is what it is. It's like that elementary school saying goes "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Each and every day, Jordan is certainly making the best of what she got. Some days are definitely harder than others. Imagine being unable to get out of bed because you know that there are mirrors all over the house, and you know that you will be incapable of avoiding them. The mirror in her room has been covered with wrapping paper for over two years now. These days definitely constitute some of the more difficult ones.

I'm not sure if I have a message for this post, except to realize that everyone is most likely battling something in their lives, seen or unseen. If we are aware of this fact, then perhaps we can all try to be a little more patient, understanding, and open minded to other's uniqueness and differences.

Wishing you peace, love and acceptance.

Us Too.

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