Love and Awe. Mixed With Just A Little Bit of Worry. :)

The next few months of Jordan's life were amazing. Her first word was “banana” and she said it every time she ate anything. Most other words she pronounced as a high-pitched squeak, so we called her the “squeaker”. She learned to walk, did “so big!”, fed herself, ate anything that we gave her, and pointed to our ears and noses. She was still nursing, although less and less. I could whip those puppies out anywhere, (discreetly, of course) and we would just do our thing. At this point we had gotten very good at it.

Until she decided to give up nursing, at around 10 1/2 months. This was the same time that she learned how to walk.  Apparently she was more interested in the world around her, than in bonding with Mom. She would stretch her neck around if she heard anything, unlatch, and get down to investigate whatever it was that distracted her. Sometimes she would just laugh at me, as if saying “Mom, really? I'm getting too old for this.” So she weened herself off. No hard feelings, not much engorgement. I guess it was the right time for both of us.

When Jordan was 11 months old, we found out that we were pregnant again. Another baby! It was overwhelming to think that we could ever love, and be in such awe of another child. Was it even possible? Jordan was everything to me. I knew that I would always have more love to give, but when I looked at Jordan, I kind of saw myself. 

Actually. 

One time she had a scratch on her face, and when I glanced in the mirror, I expected to see it on my face. That sounds a bit crazy to me, so I can imagine how it sounds to some of you. She did resemble me when I was a baby, so maybe that was the reason why... Maybe. :/

It's no wonder that being witness to her struggles and challenges was, and still is, so all-consuming for me. It's like she was an extension of me. I wasn't sure if I could share these same intense feelings with another baby, but I sure hoped that I would. I knew that having two perfect children was a lot to ask for, and I just wished for another healthy, happy child.

At 13 months, Jordan was a joy! I kissed her whenever I could, and she hugged me and laid on top of me. I could sit and watch her play forever, and Adam and I told her that we loved her all of the time.This kind of love was so strong and different than any other that I had ever felt. It was so fulfilling and special. She was so beautiful and growing up with such flare, right before our very eyes. 

I'm not sure about you, but I definitely think that is enough gushing for one post.

I always knew that watching our kids grow up, letting them spread their wings, would be difficult. I remember crying when they were babies because I realized that one day they wouldn't need me in the same way. 

Our whole introduction into the world of mental illness (which is a term that I really dislike, but I'll save that for another post) has really complicated the "letting go" stage of our relationship with Jordan. How can you let your child slowly enter into the exciting, wonderful, but sometimes cruel and harsh world, when getting out of bed has been a reoccurring struggle for her? 

Honestly, I don't think that you can. But people change. And so does life.

Jordan is going to be a senior this year. Soon we will be slammed in the face with the ultimate time for letting go, physically and emotionally.  And I have no idea how the next year and a half will play out. College, a gap year, a job, learning to drive, the picking, living on her own? Right now it's all up in the air. That is where we are today, and again... it is okay.

It has to be.  

I hope that you are also okay with where you are in your lives. 

Thank you.