Straight From The Mother's Mind

These are excerpts from my journal from a ten day period towards the end of 2014.  Brace yourself for a glimpse into the mind of a depressed person.

I figured something out. I am not happy because I feel helpless. Helpless with Jordan changing her meds and her not being able to do her AP Lang. homework. I can't help her anymore.

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Kayla with her injuries. She wants nothing to do with me or my opinions. There is nothing else that I can do for her. We saw doctors, she goes to the chiropractor, takes iron... nothing helps. I'm pretty much done since I can't help anyway. Helpless.

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I'm having a rough time with both of our girls needing help. What the fu** did we do wrong here? 

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I can't seem to make any changes to help myself. It may be time...

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I'm not going to do Christmas cards this year. I did it all myself last year. I'm not going to decorate the Christmas tree by myself. I know that they are all busy, but that's not what the holidays are about.

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I don't have the desire or energy.

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So I just ran and wrote in my journal and I don't feel much better. At least I don't feel like crying anymore.

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Today totally sucked. I cried in bed last night for a long time. I had plans to run with friends this morning, got all dressed for it, started to cry again and didn't go. I was either crying or laying down all day.

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I keep hearing the commercial in my head:  "Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help". My body actually hurts all over.

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I was a mess and couldn't snap out of it. It's crazy how if my kids are hurting, I hurt.

It's not fair to both of them.

So this is where we all were, kind of secretly falling apart. To avoid overwhelming you I will stop here and continue in the next post.

Thank you so much for allowing me to share our experiences with you. It is my hope that the more people understand, the less afraid they will be. That is the only way progress can be made in the field of mental health.

Us Too