Friday, October 30, 2015

It Got Worse Before it Got Better...

I found Jordan crying under her blanket on her floor, so I crawled in with her. I didn't say much. 
I told Adam I was lucky that I had him. I felt like I was failing him as a wife, and that I didn't deserve him. What happened to me???
I'm sick of spending $50 a week. For what? She still can't run most days. If it were me, there is no way that I would keep going to the chiropractor. It's not working. But what would I tell her, that I'm done trying to help? Nice.
Jordan said to me: "All of my senior friends are applying to Brown and good schools and I can't even get out of bed."  Shit.
Jordan asked me how come I cancelled Christmas this year. I almost lost it. How is that my fault? She didn't help at all, with anything. Fu** her. Both girls have been blaming me for everything. If I weren't trying to juggle all of their crap, then maybe I would be sane, and have time to do a damn Christmas card. 
They are sucking any life out of me and I'm pretty empty. Is it their faults? No. But it's not my fault either, that our lives suck right now.
Yesterday I did it. I went to my doctor to ask about going on medication. It was very hard. I cried when I talked about Jordan and Kayla. She said that it is hard to escape it, when it runs in your family. She said she would prescribe Zoloft but I needed to go to therapy first. Yay. I was shaking the whole time. 
It's hard to accept that it has come to this. Not like it's embarrassing or anything, it just sucks.
I told the girls "I think I've lost myself, but I am doing the best I can." It just wasn't good enough.

And that is how you know you need to get professional help. 

Thank you for putting up with my ranting. Please watch your loved ones and look out for the signs. If someone has a heart condition, or high blood pressure, no one would think twice about taking medication to help get it under control. A chemical imbalance is just another type of physical illness which needs to be treated.

The good news is that medication and therapy can help. I am living proof of this. So are Jordan and Kayla. I never expected life to play out this way, and I certainly would not want to go through it again. But some might say that they have emerged more resilient and better able to take control of their lives, because of depression.

Everything has its pros and cons. Even depression and anxiety. Right?

Thank you.
Us Too

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