Dependent Upon the Pills

I'm going to take a short break from our story, to briefly share my newfound understanding of the importance of the wonderful, man-made substances known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs).

I have lived for 45 years, SSRI-free.  Then, as circumstances would have it, I began to watch both of our girls slowly get swallowed up by life.  Things began spinning out of control for me, hence the unquestionable need for Zoloft. Along with therapy, taking one pill each day helped me gain control over my emotions, so I could begin to participate in life again.

Fast forward to today. Both girls are thriving. Yes, they are still medicated teenagers, but they appear to be one step ahead of whatever life throws at them. Ahh.  Logically, now would be the perfect time to cut back on my meds, because obviously, my anxiety and depression were situational. My brain must have calmed down to the point where it doesn't need the assistance of outside chemicals. Right? Notice I didn't say I was going to go off of the Zoloft.  I would like to think that as an adult, I have enough sense to realize this would be a terrible, risky idea. That being said, I now have a deep empathy for the many teens out there who have stopped taking their medication, for whatever their reasons.

It's an odd concept to realize that a pill has the ability to either change your personality, make you "happier", (or easier to live with), or help you better fit into the "norms" of society..  

So, the real me was, what?....NOT okay??

Here's what I noticed while I cut back on Zoloft:

1. - I needed to take melatonin before bed. My brain wouldn't stop.
2. - I had anxiety dreams again. The last one ended with me saying "Jordan is never going to be normal."  In the dream she wouldn't eat any of the food offered in her dining hall. What the heck is that? All because she texted me that her plans fell through one night. She was fine with it, but obviously it caused me anxiety; unnecessary, ridiculous anxiety.
3. -  I had more social anxiety. I didn't even want to walk to a bathroom in a restaurant by myself. Ugh.
4. -  I was also having problems letting go of the things I had previously learned to let go of (and I was proud, because this wasn't easy). You know, those things in a marriage that really don't matter, unless you obsess about them, and let them matter? These were unnecessarily resurfacing.

All of this because I cut back a half a Zoloft. every other day.

I'm not sure if I'll always need to take one Zoloft a day, but for now I'd rather be a calm, content person, than a worried, worked-up pain in the butt.

Thank you.

Us Too