I know I told Jordan this blog wouldn't be a recent account of our lives, but I am still going to give a short synopsis of our Christmas Eve. I think that it will help people better understand the difficulties of living with intense anxiety. Medication does help. It has allowed Jordan to live, function and thrive, with a sense of calmness and confidence, that at one time seemed unattainable. But medication is not a foolproof "cure". It can't change a person's innate personality. I'm not sure if the word "personality" is the correct term to use, but people 'are who they are', you know?
So we were all getting ready for church. I should have known when I stepped over Jordan laying on her floor, that things weren't going well. But I was trying to make myself look presentable and festive. When it was almost time to leave, I realized that I hadn't seen Jordan in a while. Crap. After looking in the well known places, anywhere dark, her closet, corners of rooms... I pushed on the bathroom door and felt her leaning against it. In the dark. Covering her head.
I am proud to say that I don't get angry any more. I don't take it personally, and I don't feel as if it is a reflection of me. I am resigned to the fact that there are times when I can't control life, especially someone else's, and I can't always make things better. Not fun, especially as a parent.
Jordan mumbled to me that she "just ruined another Christmas".
So what happened? She was having trouble figuring out what to wear, but this wasn't the main cause of her panic attack.
The holidays are intense. They take you out of your routine. They are emotional, and they push some people to their limits. There is this perfect image of what Christmas, or any holiday, is supposed to look like. But we are all graced with the wisdom to know that life is not perfect. Right?
That is what happened to Jordan.
She did get over her feelings of guilt. Kayla got over her disappointment of not going to church because she felt she looked "cute as shit". (Which she did, down to the sprig of holly in her braided hair.) And I'm happy to say that the Beck family had a very nice (but certainly not perfect) Christmas this year.