I'll admit it. Once we started this journey, I was beyond fixated on having Jordan out of diapers. When I think back, I realize that I was pushing her to do something that she was not even close to being emotionally ready for.
Notice that I didn't say she wasn't physically ready for it. Because the ways in which she attempted to control not using her little potty, proved to me that she had more physical control than most adults.
Why was I so focused on this whole process? There were a few reasons. First of all, she was so advanced verbally, that she seemed much older than she actually was. Secondly, she had been battling us in so many different ways since before she was able to speak, that I felt as if everything had become a battle of wills. And in my mind, my will, as the parent, should always have triumphed over hers.
Throughout the years, it became painfully clear that this was not exactly how life was supposed to be. At least not in our little corner of it.
The third reason that I felt she should be out of diapers was; she was a big girl. Changing the poopy diaper of a girl who could pass as a four or five year old, was not fun. It was gross. I was also changing Kayla's diapers and I was six months pregnant with Kevin. None of this was her fault, but in my mind, enough was enough. Now that she was over three years old, it was time for her to learn.
Because that was how it was supposed to be. Wasn't it?
Now thirteen years later, when I think about all of this, I can see that I was way too worried about when she got out of diapers. This was like the other times, when, because she was our first child, I obsessed over her. Did I honestly think that she would never use the bathroom, that she would be wearing diapers in second or third grade? Of course not.
Although at the time, while we were up to our eyeballs in dirty diapers, it was very hard to see anything past the moment we were submerged in. Sometimes it still is, especially when things are not going... well, as they are supposed to.
I continue to find myself over thinking and over worrying about her. My most recent concerns involve wondering if she is actually going to be ready for college. In my mind some basic prerequisites include eating enough to sustain yourself, waking yourself up, packing for a trip, and budgeting your time. Yes, I am concerned. Because high-achieving high school graduates are supposed to be ready to go off to college, and thrive in their new environment. Aren't they?
This time I am trying my hardest to not harp, force, or push in any way. I'm just waiting, watching, supporting, and hoping she gets there on her own, when she is ready. Believe me, this is not easy to do. But hopefully this somewhat new-found way of coping, will help to make a positive difference in her life.