Please bear with me while I rant. Because this is hard.
Waves. This word kept coming into my mind, so I looked it up. Here's what I found on the Physics Stack Exchange site. This site can be answered by random readers, so I'm not 100% sure of its validity, but this explanation works for me. Well, except maybe for the propagate part.
"Imagine a point in the middle of the sea where waves with different directions are created. They will propagate away from this point until they hit a shore, therefore they can only move towards the shore not away from it."
So... Adam and I have created three (beautiful) waves. And all three continue to move away from where they were created, and towards their own shores. Deep, right?
In two days our first born child will be moving out. Yes she will only be a half hour away, but that is still away. Her room will always be her room, but we all know it will be different. Not worse, but different.
One minute I'm so excited for her, and so proud of her, that I want to shout to everyone I know. She has calmly been packing her clothes in the meticulous way that only she can do, and as she phrased it she is "as ready as she'll ever be." But then I get hit with this aching pit in my stomach, and that's when the tears begin to flow.
I never really shared with her the other moments in life, when I was sad to watch her move on. There were a few: pre-school, kindergarten, first grade (which was all day) 6th grade (because it was middle school,) and then 9th grade... well, because of this. High school only lasts four years. I always cried after she got on the bus. But this is different. For this I'm not holding much back.
It's like I picture my adult heart having four compartments. One (big one) is for Adam, and each remaining part is for Jordan, Kayla, and Kevin. Don't worry. I realize that the entire heart is mine, and fully represents me, but this analogy helps me work things through.
Right now it feels like one-fourth of my heart is kind of being ripped out. Dramatic, I know. This quarter of my heart will continue to exist, but it will need to change. It will have to toughen up, let go, be more independent, and become open to finding different ways of reaching its "love capacity." (Good luck, Adam, Kayla and Kevin. It may be an interesting year. ;)
This time consists of a very strange mix of feelings all wrapped up into one big mess: Sadness, joy, fear, excitement, thankfulness, pensiveness, independence, closeness, relief, love. I know the past 18 years have been about THIS.
So here we go.
Post a Comment