Thursday, November 30, 2017

The Ramblings of a Madwoman

In the post Unseen Signs, I mentioned I thought we may need to help Jordan because I feared she would burn out by high school. That was written in October, 2011. By the time April came around (only six months later) I was more than just mentioning it. The following is what was written in my journal. Warning ~ It's a mess of rambling thoughts and emotions.

We need to get her help. Adam just spent 40 minutes talking to her while she sobbed, and I ran. I brought her dinner up to her room and she apologized, saying she doesn't know how we put up with her. She said she can't help it. I hate when she's hard on herself afterwards. She appears so self aware and mature, it's like she's a different child once the storm passes. Adam and I sometimes handle it well, but not all the time. We both yell at her. We resent and get angry and don't always hold back our emotions. I have come close to losing it more than once. I'm sick of us having to walk on eggshells and function around her moods. It's not healthy for us as a family. At times we have solutions and stories and words, but we're too emotionally IN it. We're learning and flailing and experimenting and trying things. We're yelling that we're going to take her out of every after school function one minute, and then telling her how great she is, and how proud we are, the next. And we never follow through with our threats, because afterwards she feels so guilty and remorseful that we feel we don't need to, We know she can't help it. We really do believe that. I feel badly for her, and I have since she slammed her head into her crib bars and tried to rip her door off it's hinges. (I'm not sure how this little tidbit was omitted from my journal, but I vaguely remember it happening.) I want her to be happy and I honestly think she needs professional help. Help from someone who isn't emotional, doesn't take it personally, can give her skills and techniques without threats and promises and anger.
We are confused and confusing the situation more and more as she gets older. We take turns being rational to avoid the blow ups. She should sleep more, but we have no control over her bedtime, especially if she has homework. Her perfectionism is a real problem. It's not fair to her if we let this continue- hoping we figure it out, searching for what works each time. Hoping we don't get too emotional the next time. Hoping we had a good enough day, or are in good enough moods to be able to handle her moods and emotions.
And that is why I think we need to get her help from someone who is not Us.

So that's how things were going, and how I was dealing.  Yeah.

I think it's blatantly obvious that we needed help, but it took a long time, even from this point, until we got it. Here's my advice to those who may be struggling:  Do not wait as long as we did.  There is help and hope out there, and life really shouldn't be that hard.

Thank you.

Us Too

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