Shit. I have no patience, no enthusiasm. I don't care if the house is messy
(most times). Adam still doesn't have a job. I hate our lives so much right
now and find no pleasure in anything. I am thankful that at least I'm managing
to run a little bit.
I think I may need some medication. All I think about is the possibility of us
running out of money and losing the house. I've applied for a few full time
positions (assistant director at a day care and a preschool teacher, but no
elementary teaching positions.) Crap. I haven't heard anything back
yet. I hate our lives and I feel like we're failing our kids. I want a break!!!
I hate my clothes but I'm not going to buy anything new until Adam finds
a job, or I get a job with more hours. I've stopped reaching out to friends
because basically, I don't like people or hanging out anymore. It's not fun.
And that my friends, is what depression sounds like. It's not pretty, it's not easy, and it's plagued with uncomfortable bouts of anger and sadness. The thing is, when you're depressed you don't control your thoughts. Your thoughts begin to control you.
At this time I didn't reach out for help. I was so involved and overwhelmed with trying to help Jordan, that I had no time or energy left to take care of myself. She was my first priority because she was my child, and she was hurting. I would have done anything to help her find happiness again.