Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Search For Our New Normal (Whatever That Is)

I realize why I didn't write much in my journal, about Jordan's whole thumbs up/get a book, reward system. The reason? The birth of our loving son, Kevin Vincent. Having three kids under the age of three and a half... it was like being sucked into an emotional whirlwind, that wouldn't stop spinning.

There were moments that made my heart swell beyond what I thought possible. Times when I felt like the luckiest, most fortunate person in the would. Having three beautiful, perfect kids, felt like a gift. The gift of life. It was at this time that Jordan muttered some of the most beautiful words ever spoken by one of our children. When she met Kevin in the hospital, for the first time, she said "No one is going to be mean to my baby brother." It was music to my new-momma ears.

I was living in this perceived world of perfection, until four days later. It was then that I was thrown back into our new reality. Jordan asked me: "After the baby dies, will you take Me and Kayla places again?" This one simple question almost knocked the wind out of me.

I calmly told her that we are keeping Kevin forever, and soon we will go places together again. She informed me that she was not going to die for a long time, and the conversation ended.

And then I cried. Hard. Because she was confused, and she didn't understand why her life was different. All she knew was that mommy was not taking her places like she used to. Mommy was spending time with Baby Kevin (while also recovering from a tubalectomy). I didn't worry about her bringing up the topic of death, because I didn't think that she really understood much about it. But hearing the word "dies" in the same sentence as your new born baby boy, it was rough.

I was already a mess of hormones, I was in pain, and now I realized how much she wanted our lives to get back to normal. To be honest, so did I.

Besides me getting to reminisce about another one of the most wonderful days in my life, there is another reason why I'm sharing this story. A "mental health" reason. Ahhh, finally.  

I'm sharing this story because I was unaware that one symptom of Generalized Anxiety Disorder is having intrusive thoughts. I didn't even know what those were, until Jordan began filling out the many tedious, personal, invasive questionnaires about herself, for therapists and psychiatrists.

So her innocent comments about death, when she was three and a half, stirred up memories for me. Memories of when I learned about the intrusive thoughts that she had once experienced.

That's something I assume no parents would ever expect to hear. I sure didn't.

Thank you,

Us Too

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