My next entry began with:
Someday I may write a book about this. Maybe help other parents who are going through similar situations. This week sucked. Jordan basically melted down from Friday night until Sunday morning (except when she went to school for a fall fest, because she had no choice but to go). She was truly impossible and argued everything. She refused to go to sleep and we couldn't make her. So we watched her make the situation worse for herself. We watched her hurt herself again and again.
I guess because things were getting so rough, it makes more sense to continue taking the words straight from my journal. It went on:
I lost it on Friday night after the kids went to bed. Like lost hope- for Adam's job, for Jordan, for my running (my back was hurting). Everything felt like it was caving in on me. Adam was SO great about it. He told me I can't lose hope for Jordan. He said we have no control over anything, but that's okay and it's normal... I know he's right, but I hate thinking that way. NO control? Then what the hell are we supposed to do? Seeing one of my kids hurting-- it is killing me.
Keep in mind, to the outside world everything about the Beck family appeared to be going perfectly. All of this, all the struggles and pain, were hidden. I was going to work. Jordan continued to be a stellar student at school. No one knew. I know I've said this before, but you never know what's going on behind closed doors.
I wrote how I wished I could speak to my grandmother, who was no longer with us, and ask her for support and advice.